Posted: September 12th, 2010 | Author: admin | Filed under: light therapy for depression | Tags: 8 years, acupuncture, btw, delt, depression, depressive disorder, eating habits, electro shock therapy, homework, lithium, major depressive disorder, medication, memory impairment, natural herbs, pawn, physicist, physicists, psychiatrist, psychotherapists, Suicide | 12 Comments »
Ive delt with depression for over 8 years (I’m 19 btw), Ive seen many therapists and physicists, psychotherapists, everyone. I have been officially diagnosed with major depressive disorder, but I believe I have minor OCD too. I had to drop out of the school of my dreams because I just cant handle homework due to the little energy I have, I currently am going to another school which isn’t so great, mainly just to keep my parents insurance, which I dont know how long that will even last, its the second day and I already am overwhelmed. I have no job, no energy, and can never think clearly. I think about suicide every day, and yes Ive talked to people about it. It the end, it seems like all anyone ever does is pawn you off to someone else, or never fully help you. The insurance has run out for seeing therapists, and I don’t see a physicist for another month, that is out of pocket btw. I have been on every drug you can think of, short of lithium. Ive even had 3 Electro Shock Therapy treatments, which made me feel better for about 2 days. I will never do that again, because of the memory impairment I suffered, not that it isn’t already terrible. Ive done light therapy, natural herbs, acupuncture, back adjustments, everything. Honestly the only thing keeping me alive is my constant battle with religion and God. Which I don’t think will last too long once this gets worse. I feel so alone.
yes, I realize my auto correct change Psychiatrist to physicist. I also want to point out that Ive tried changing my eating habits, and exercise.
Unfortunately it wasn’t the medication that took my energy, yes I’ve had many bad side effects but all were temporary, this has been ongoing long before any treatment.
Ive tried so many different approaches on sleeping. From 6 hours to 14 hours, nothing makes a difference, I just know I’m always tired out too. I honestly dont know what is fun anymore, I enjoy nothing, I used to love gaming back when my depression wasn’t as bad, but I haven’t played games in over a year now.
I also deal with social anxiety and regular anxiety all the time. So I really dont have anyone to turn to, its really hard for me to talk to anyone in real life. My parents make me feel like its all my fault I’m always depressed.
There actually was only one support group by me…an hour away…filled with much older people who I could not relate to, and I gave up on that.
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Posted: August 10th, 2010 | Author: admin | Filed under: light relief therapy | Tags: anasthesia, anguish, assertive community treatment, bipolar, combinations, electroshock, face off, faith in god, fingernails, half the time, hoping that someone, last ditch effort, mayo clinic, medication options, meds, psychiatric care, psychiatrist, psychiatry, severe depression, treatment options | 2 Comments »
I have exhausted all my treatment options for bipolar disorder – have honestly tried over 2 dozen meds, alone and in combinations, and ECT (electroshock) and they have all failed or made me worse or I am allergic to the meds etc. ( this is over a period of 15 years – not short term med trials). I have severe depression in the morning nearly every day, and for the entire day about half the time and I just can’t take it anymore – my situation clearly became hopeless when my last ditch effort, ECT, failed. That’s supposed to help 80% of people, and for me, I can just tack that on as more PTSD to get over – I woke up from anasthesia in terror, not remembering why I was there, and lost almost all my memories from 2008, except for that terror, of course (ECT is known to cause amnesia). I rarely get mania anymore, just horrific agitated depression, the anguish so severe I literally want to claw my face off or slash my chest open with a knife. If I still had fingernails, I would have clawed my face off a long time ago. I don’t know what to do anymore – I have been on the edge of death for years.
So, since medication options aren’t there anymore, I am wondering if ACT (assertive community treatment) can help with this? My county workers have not run into psychiatric cases like mine, they swear up and down that most patients do get at least some relief from meds, but I am in a tiny, rural county, and am hoping that someone here has gone thru this, or has a relative who has, and can give me some advice. I’m thinking about going inpatient at mayo clinic, but I already tried the university of MN and that was a total failure, and my regular psychiatrist thought the university was better for psychiatry than mayo clinic. It would be hard for me to get to mayo clinic anyway, it is a 4 hour drive, and I can’t find anything online I haven’t already tried either.
Anyhow, I have had the finest psychiatric care there is, and it has utterly failed, lost my faith in God a few years back, just have nothing left for me except a loving husband, 4 great kitties, and a home I love in rural Minnesota with beautiful maple trees and a lovely pond full of wood ducks and chirping frogs in the backyard, and I need to die, because I can’t stand the anguish anymore. It is unspeakable pain, and I feel this way for NO REASON, just endlessly, due to untreated bipolar disorder. What can I do to live when I hurt so much, with no relief in sight? (That is a true assessment, there will be no relief for me?)
background: I don’t have any personality disorders, already see a therapist regularly, have a social worker and a home worker, see a psychiatrist regularly, am not a substance abuser, excercise a lot, eat a good diet, use a light box – all that healthy stuff. This is just ghastly, severe bipolar disorder that is ( apparently) untreatable. I do also have a severe sexual abuse history, which I have gotten plenty of therapy for. My workers know I have serious problems, but I play them down slightly, since I do not want to be involuntarily committed – it is hard to get help when you have severe mental illness, believe me. An involuntary commitment would not help me – what i need is a medication that would cut down the despair, and apparently, it doesn’t exist – otherwise, if it worked, I would take it.
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Posted: July 29th, 2010 | Author: admin | Filed under: light relief therapy | Tags: anguish, asking this question, assertive community treatment, bipolar, electroshock, face off, fingernails, half the time, hoping that someone, last ditch effort, mayo clinic, medication options, meds, nerve stimulation, psychiatrist, psychiatry, quot, severe depression, treatment options, weird crap | 4 Comments »
Asking this question again – I have exhausted all my treatment options for bipolar disorder – have honestly tried over 2 dozen meds, alone and in combinations, and ECT (electroshock) and they have all failed or made me worse or I am allergic to the meds etc. ( this is over a period of 15 years – not short term med trials). I have severe depression in the morning nearly every day, and for the entire day about half the time and I just can’t take it anymore – my situation clearly became hopeless when my last ditch effort, ECT, failed. I rarely get mania anymore, just horrific agitated depression, the anguish so severe I literally want to claw my face off or slash my chest open with a knife, for hours most days, and often, all day. If I still had fingernails, I would have clawed my face off a long time ago. I don’t know what to do anymore – I have been on the edge of death for years. I have hung on and hung on, trying medication after medication, and now there is (realistically, this is not the depression talking) no hope of any significant relief.
So, since medication options aren’t there anymore, I am wondering if ACT (assertive community treatment) can help with this? My county workers have not run into psychiatric cases like mine, they swear up and down that most patients do get at least some relief from meds, but I am in a tiny, rural county, and am hoping that someone here has gone thru this, or has a relative who has, and can give me some advice. I’m thinking about going inpatient at mayo clinic, but I already tried the university of MN and that was a total failure, and my regular psychiatrist thought the university was better for psychiatry than mayo clinic. It would be hard for me to get to mayo clinic anyway, it is a 4 hour drive, and I can’t find any treatment online I haven’t already tried either, other than "out there" treatments that are very unlikely to help and experimental, like vagus nerve stimulation – weird crap.
Anyhow, I have had the finest psychiatric care there is, and it has utterly failed, I lost my faith in God a few years back, just have nothing left for me except a loving husband, 4 great kitties, and a home I love in rural Minnesota with beautiful maple trees and a lovely pond full of wood ducks and chirping frogs in the backyard, in other words, I have a LOT to live for. But I need to die, because I can’t stand the anguish anymore. It is unspeakable pain, and I feel this way for NO REASON, just endlessly live in agony, due to untreatable bipolar disorder. What can I do to live when I hurt so much, with no relief in sight?
background: I don’t have any personality disorders, already see a therapist regularly, have a social worker and a home worker, see a psychiatrist regularly, am not a substance abuser, excercise a lot, have an excellent diet (we have a huge garden and eat a lot of venison), use a light box, keep busy with hobbies, according to my varying energy level – all that healthy stuff. This is just ghastly, severe bipolar disorder that is ( apparently) untreatable. I do also have a severe sexual abuse history, which I have gotten plenty of therapy for. My workers know I have serious problems, but I play them down slightly, since I do not want to be involuntarily committed – it is hard to get help when you have severe mental illness, believe me. An involuntary commitment would not help me – what i need is a medication that would cut down the despair, and apparently, it doesn’t exist – otherwise, if it worked, I would take it. Please no religion stuff – my husband prays for me all the time, but that isn’t going to make me suddenly find my faith again – a person can’t "make" themselves believe. Great for you that your faith helped you, and I sincerely mean that, but it didn’t help me, tried that already. The question is, is there a way to endure daily agony from bipolar depression that is unending, and I will never get relief for it? Anyone been there, endlessly, and still alive? or have a relative like this? I mean, this is EVERY DAY, except for in May and June, pretty much (strong seasonal pattern, there). Thanks for anything that might help!
lamictal was worthless, antidepressants made me worse, so I have been off them for a long time, and I use a light box a lot in the winter, and took a vitamin D supplement, too – all that standard stuff has been tried, and some helps a bit, but only maybe 10%. Not enough to make life bearable.
oh, and I forgot, lithium only helped me with mania, which I very rarely get anymore, so it’s not worth taking it anymore, and I ended up with weirdo, scary side effects after a few years of lithium.
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Posted: June 24th, 2010 | Author: admin | Filed under: light therapy for depression | Tags: clue, disability benefits, medicaid, medicare, panic attacks, paperwork, psychiatrist, seasonal depression, seattle, ssdi, sun | 5 Comments »
I started receiving disability benefits from SSDI in January 2009 so right now I have medicaid still but I will be switched to medicare in Jan 2010 so I’m a little confused about my coverage right now. My new Psychiatrist just suggested that I try a light therapy lamp for my seasonal depression but they are really expensive and I can’t just go buy one unless I can get it covered. The shrink says she will sign whatever I need to get it but she doesn’t know the process so I have to figure it out myself which is really hard for me since I tend to get panic attacks when I try to deal with confusing paperwork and agencies. I know someone who got one covered by the VA Hospital but thats very different from what I have. I really have no clue who to even ask about this and I just keep getting more depressed because the sun in Seattle has been hiding for weeks. Anyone have any ideas?
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Posted: May 22nd, 2010 | Author: admin | Filed under: light relief therapy | Tags: amp, art music, bipolar, brains, counseling, damn thing, haldol, half the time, horrible experience, hysterectomy, medications, meditation, meds, menopause, menopause symptoms, mixed moods, mom, psychiatrist, sleep, support art | 3 Comments »
I am so frustrated! I have tried about 25 medications, and even went thru ECT this past summer, and nothing helps! I have been trying to get help for my bipolar since 1994. I just had a fit today and broke some stuff. Counseling doesn’t help much either. ECT was the last thing left to try, and it was a horrible experience – I had a weird reaction just like I do to all the meds. They apparently had to hold me down and inject me with Haldol because I was trying to run away when I woke up. I went thru 7 horrid treatments and it didn’t help a bit.(FYI there is absolutely no question it’s bipolar, I do lots of self-help things, including eating right, stable sleep schedule, light therapy, dark therapy, exercising, meditation, social support, art, music, every damn thing. I am even happily married & like where I live).
What in the hell? Am I the only one? I can’t make it without meds – my symptoms are really severe more than half the time (suicidal) and it has been this way for years. My psychiatrist wants me to get a hysterectomy, because it MIGHT help. Just like she told me the past 15 drugs and ECT might help. Oh, wait, the ECT was supposed to be an almost sure-fire thing. My mom & her mom’s menopause symptoms never went away, so I can’t see how that would help either.
Anyway, I’m venting, but I am also wondering if anyone else has gone thru this – just nothing worked. And how do you not blow your brains out when nothing works. I don’t even believe in God anymore – lost that 2 years ago in the middle of the last 3 year mixed moods bout.
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